Confidence Equals…
What does it mean to have confidence? When has one achieved the title of “confident?” What exactly equates confidence? Our society seems to view confidence as an external expression, with emphasis on a person’s outward demeanor being self-assured or aplomb. Confident individuals are constantly center-stage; happy and smiling, with perfectly witty phrases ready whenever needed. Take Harvey Specter, from the show Suits (my family’s quarantine show obsession). He is the perfect picture of outward confidence; always put together with extreme swagger, never missing a beat. But, what about the people who are more reserved? The people more focused on their inward expression, are they not as confident?
I’m here to argue absolutely not. I identify as a more introverted person, who loves me time and nights spent in watching movies and reading books. I am fearful of being the center of attention unless I am around close friends who I trust deeply. Just because I don’t thrive in big social settings though, does not mean I can’t be confident in other areas of my life.
I believe that as a society, we have painted a picture of what confidence and happiness are supposed to look like. If you don’t fit the mold, you must be doing something wrong. Over the last few years, I have struggled a lot with my identity. I have tried to be someone I’m not more times than I can count. In fact, I have denied my true self more times than I’d like to admit. However, I have also grown and learned so much from my many trial and errors and recently have begun to step into my power and feel proud to be who I am.
For so long, I thought that something was wrong with me because I enjoyed alone time, didn’t want to go out to a lot of parties, and hated making insignificant small talk. The more I’ve grown and learned about myself, I found that it’s not because I’m not confident, it’s because I am simply more interested in doing other things. I am energized most by meaningful exchanges, and being out in nature.
When I looked up the definition of confidence on Google, this is what I found: Confidence is “a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities”. In other words, being confident is a personal experience. A personal experience that each individual develops and processes differently and uniquely. Confidence does not only mean being outspoken, expressive, and ready to always take charge. It’s about knowing who you are and what makes you happiest; daring to express yourself fully and not giving a shit about what or who may stand in your way. It’s when you find that something you thrive most in, and you’re proud of yourself for doing it. For so long, I’ve been my own worst enemy, trying to convince myself I’m not confident because I can’t always think of the exact words to say at the right time. I would often focus on and overanalyze the times I made a fool of myself and ended up losing touch with who I am. *Now, I’m not quite completely done with doing that, but I am working on choosing a different story/narrative for myself.
If you’re like me and struggle with feeling self-conscious and out of place sometimes, next time you’re in one of those situations that makes you feel incompetent, try to reframe your thinking. Stop thinking “I’m not confident,” and instead try telling yourself “in this situation, I feel uneasy and it makes me doubt myself”. By doing this, you are changing the impact your thoughts will have on you. The first phrase is intense. When I fall victim to believing it, I always feel like there’s something wrong with who I am as a person. With the second phrase, you are lessening the impact by focusing on the situation at hand. You are changing the thought from something being wrong with you, to something happening around you, in one particular moment. There may be a perfectly logical reason behind why you are feeling uneasy. Maybe you’re like me, introverted, and feeling completely lost in a huge crowd of strangers yelling and screaming “nonsense.” That situation doesn’t fit right with my qualities and abilities. Does that mean something is wrong with me? Hell no! We are not perfect, as much as we’d like to be. Not every situation will make us feel empowered and self-assured. That’s okay. It’s a part of life; a part of discovering who we are and what makes us special.
Just because these challenging situations may not make us feel confident, doesn’t mean we can’t still “fake” our confidence. Ever heard of the saying, “fake it until you make it”? Well, there really isn’t much faking that can occur when you choose to feel confident. You’re going to be confident. You’re putting yourself out there and challenging yourself and just by doing that, you’re being confident. If you need to tell yourself you’re faking it, go for it, but I’m here to tell you that you didn’t fake shit.
There is no one formula for confidence =’s. It is an extremely personal feat that we all must rise to the challenge in our own time and at our own pace. It’s hard, trust me. But it’s doable, with enough mental training, reframing, and practice in discovering where you fit in. I may not FEEL confident in a certain situation, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still BE confident by putting myself out there and doing things that make me feel proud. Be confident in what makes you happiest, that is where pure joy will come from.
