Questions answered about race
A conversation between a white woman and two black men
I am a privileged white young woman, one of many, who is trying to do everything I can to understand and learn about the ever present racial injustices of our world. This injustice has been present since the founding of our country and accompanied by a complete abuse of power, humanity against human rights, and the absence of empathy. It is a horrifying truth, but it is the truth. And it is no new truth.
A question I am stuck on: how can I help overcome the systemic injustices, if I haven’t personally experienced the problem? This is a question that has held me back from feeling stronger in my ability to put my own thoughts out into the world regarding the horrors I recognize. But, I’m adding to the problem when I let this hold me back.
I am not qualified to offer the solution to the problems I see in my world today. Being a perfectionist, I always want to know what to say best in every instance. But I realize, especially on this topic, knowing how to say the right thing just isn’t possible. So, white America, how can we truly help? Let’s start by addressing our implicit bias and all the inexperience we have surrounding inequality.
In an attempt to be a part of the solution, I asked two of my black friends and fellow classmates at my university (going by O and T to remain anonymous) to collaborate in this article with me in the form of a conversation. I recognize the best way to overcome my implicit bias is by asking questions and expanding my awareness. Being willing to listen fully, as a 21 year old white woman learning from 21 year old black men, might help to bridge some of the separation experienced between different races and backgrounds so that we can better understand each other.
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Maddie: I was born to an upper-middle class family in Clearwater, Florida. My parents are both life coaches and meditation teachers, who dedicate much of their time to giving back to their community. Growing up, my father did a lot of work in prison reform, and my mother worked in a public high school teaching mindfulness and meditation as a method of attempting to bridge racial inequality and the achievement gap in our education system. I grew up aware of my privilege, but I never had to experience anyone trying to take it away from me simply for the fact that I was born with white skin.
T: I was born in Boston, MA. When people think of Boston, they think of downtown Boston and Franklin Park, but I was born in a very rough part of Boston which is a totally different world. I see the differences between myself and my little brother, who grew up in a different state, and I am completely jealous of the opportunities he had compared to me based on where we grew up. I got my first taste of racism when I was in the 3rd grade. I was in a program to go to a school in a nicer part of Boston so I was the only black guy in my class. There was one other black girl and we both felt that we were being singled out whenever the whole class would be acting up. Our teacher would always reprimand and embarrass us in front of the rest of class; never any of the other students who would be doing the same things we were. I remember this one time when we had a substitute. The substitute walked in and before doing anything else, she moved my desk to the front of the room right next to her because she had been told by my teacher that I was the “trouble-making kid”. That was a huge moment for me and was when I realized, ‘Wow, I’m definitely not being treated like everyone else in this classroom’.
O: I’m from Columbia, Maryland and I went to a public high school. My school and community were really diverse. We had 60% white, and 40% minority and a district from Baltimore at my school. Most of the kids from the city, in low socioeconomic areas, played football. I was a big football player so that’s how I got introduced to them. I moved from Canada so I really wasn’t aware of all the racial injustice occurring, until I moved to North Carolina. I moved to North Carolina my senior year of high school. Moving from Maryland to North Carolina, you see the extreme difference between the north and the south and how segregated it becomes. The second day I got to North Carolina, I was practicing with the football team when we all got invited over to a white teammate’s house. Right as we were about to go, the teammate found out that his grandparents would be there and said we could no longer go. After he left, I asked the rest of the team what was wrong with his grandparents. To that, my teammates told me they were “traditional”. They told me that his grandparents don’t let black people in their house. I thought they were joking, that was the first time I’d really experienced racism.
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What is implicit bias and where have you seen it best be overcome and why?
Implicit bias is the assumptions a lot of white people will have about people different from them based on where and how they were raised and how little they experienced other cultures.
O: In terms of race, talk to people that are different from you and get introduced to different cultures and people from different backgrounds. Sports teams are so important to model after in terms of overcoming this bias because teammates are together for a minimum of 4 hours a day, working together to accomplish goals. They are getting exposed to their teammate’s backgrounds and where everyone is from. It quickly becomes a brotherhood/sisterhood and you get naturally close with each other. When you get naturally close and can understand that a person is different from you and you can understand his/her experiences, it will help you understand different perspectives a lot more. I feel like a lot of the ignorance comes from people just not being introduced to different communities.
I know where a lot these “ignorant” people come from. I grew up in Canada and Maryland. I didn’t know all these racial problems existed until I moved to North Carolina for school. I realized what the South is really like. So what it’s all about is talking to people that are different from you, exploring new communities, and going abroad. People that travel and go abroad and only talk to the people that are just like them, what are they learning? What are you about to learn, if you aren’t talking to people that are different from you?
People don’t understand the issues with guns and owning guns and the second amendment because they didn’t grow up with it. Since the 7th grade I’ve been around peers that will just have guns on them, and that’s where a lot of the violence comes from. You don’t understand that it’s an issue because you haven’t been in a community where young people are just buying guns out of nowhere, and that’s the source of the problem. That’s why I think it’s so important for parents to introduce their kids to different communities and neighborhoods at a young age.
What is one thing you wish more white people knew about?
O: The talk that all black kids have to have with their parents about getting pulled over. There’s a protocol. Since I was young I learned that this is what you do when you get pulled over: the first thing you always do is put your phone in a place where it can see you and turn the recording on. Roll your window down about 3 inches, not all the way, then put your hands on the dashboard or on the wheel. You look forward. Don’t move, and ask right away for their badge number and representative’s name. After that you just hope for the best. It scares me shitless, I do not like to talk to the police.
We were picking up a friend yesterday and my car broke down. We looked in the rearview mirror and saw 4 cops. We immediately tried to think of another way, any other way to fix the problem. My whole life I was brought up to not trust in the police. I’ve been taught since I was young that you don’t call the police unless your mother is bleeding out and about to die. People get robbed, and can’t call the cops. People get beat up, and can’t call the cops. You just have to handle it yourself because we all know you can’t rely on the police. So when my car broke down, I didn’t feel comfortable walking up to them, but I had to. I put my phone on the screen record right away. It shouldn’t have to be like that, I shouldn’t have to film a simple conversation to try and get my car to work.
How do you feel about defunding the police?
O: My sister is a business owner who is a huge black activist. She educates me everyday and has been talking a lot about what defunding the police would do, and it’s a lot deeper than it appears. But at the end of the day, if you’re not doing your job and you’re not protecting your people, then you shouldn’t get money. It’s something crazy like police are getting paid 13x the amount of every other community service profession. They are not doing their job, so we need to switch things up. I do think police are needed, but I think there needs to be reform.
T: If you took all the money away, we’d lose the good police we need. But you can’t put trillions of dollars into a very largely flawed system. A system that is supposed to make people feel protected, instead makes them fearful. There has to be a change in the process for becoming a cop. I think it’s something like 8 weeks to become a cop, that’s insane. A barber has to do double the amount of hours of supervising than a man with a gun. Giving people a gun after 8 weeks… would you give a person you met 8 weeks ago a gun and tell them to protect you? That doesn’t sound right at all.
How can white allies now be a part of the solution?
O: Be open minded, all people are products of their experiences and where they grew up. So if you haven’t been exposed to any other community or environment, accept you don’t understand and do research to better try.
Watch videos on Youtube and look up ‘police violence in the US’, and look how many are people of color. I promise if you sit there and watch all the stuff going on, I don’t care what your perspective is or your political party, you will recognize that there is some inhumane shit going on. Watching videos and becoming aware can help the issue.
Post, ask, talk, share. It’s human nature to think that if it doesn’t affect you then you don’t have to worry about it. But we have been dealing with this for hundreds of years and the only way we were able to get your attention was to make it directly affect you. That’s why we started rioting and burning buildings to make you pay attention. I wish people didn’t have to stoop so low, but it got the job done. People are finally talking about it like never before.
T: I’ve talked to so many of my white friends about why they haven’t said anything. I’ve talked to so many that have said they’re afraid of following a trend, or speaking on something they aren’t 100% educated on because they don’t want to speak their mind and then have someone call them out and it turn into an attack. But I’m like, you realize that you not saying anything at all is the worst, biggest slap in the face. I understand why you’re worried, but we will take a lot more offence if you don’t say anything, as opposed to saying the wrong thing and trying.
How can white friends start the necessary conversation to widen their scope of knowledge?
O: Start the conversation by finding a friend of color that you’re really close to, who may understand your background and understand why you might not understand, and who won’t attack you if you say something completely ignorant. I’m very patient because I understand why a lot of white people don’t understand based on how they were raised, so find a close friend of color and address things.
Another thing, don’t say that “you understand”. You don’t understand, you have no clue. You can’t possibly understand if you haven’t lived through it. Do not fake it, that is the biggest thing that pisses me off. This is supposed to be a conversation to help you understand, so be transparent. Don’t just agree to make me feel better, I want you to understand. If you have an if, but, or what, say it so I can educate you and make your mind turn a little bit. Don’t just go with the flow and fake it, you won’t make any progress if you have questions.
T: There’s a big divide on the same side. People on the same side are divided when allies aren’t speaking up and asking questions and showing support. I was on ten with one of my closest friends because I felt like he didn’t care. This is someone that I’m extremely close to, and he’s not speaking out for me or making his support clear. He was afraid that he would come off sounding ingenuine and be in a position where he didn’t have the knowledge to back up his information.
First of all, if you don’t have the knowledge to back up your information, there’s information everywhere. Just look for two seconds and find it, and then just engage in it to figure it out. Also, it’s not my responsibility to educate everyone, but if you’re one of my close friends and you’re confused about something and need more information, come to me. It shouldn’t even be a debate. This is not a situation where your stance can be assumed. Your stance is being assumed by you not saying something. No one wants to have the conversation, but it’s needed. So ask and don’t be worried about saying the wrong things.
How can we truly integrate our college campuses?
O: So many white friends at school have told me that I’m their first black friend that they feel comfortable around. I say, you realize the only reason this happened is because we talked and started hanging out. We didn’t really do that much. Now you understand a whole different perspective of the world and was it that difficult? Did you have a good time doing it? Yeah you did, so why aren’t more people doing it? It’s not that difficult.
University wise, straight up, talk to people who are different from you and invite people into parties that are different from you. But don’t make it a big deal and feel the need to talk to us and point out our presence. We’ve been to parties where people will call out how many white people there are as opposed to us. We’re not blind, we chose to be in this environment so don’t make it weird. I love this school and I know there are some really beautifully amazing people here, but it’s obvious because of the socioeconomic situation of most of the kids here that they haven’t been exposed to much. Once more of them make the effort to understand and try to experience different perspectives, we won’t have such a big problem.
T: I feel like our college makes us do a lot of core requirements. Do you think it’s realistic for them to try and put in an inclusivity class? Because you can’t learn about inclusivity from an online module. The same way we have service hours, is the same way we should have hours where you spend learning and experiencing other backgrounds. The online module they have for freshman year, was such a bullshit formality. I can’t sit here and say that maybe someone got something out of that. It wasn’t enough or deep enough to touch anyone or make anyone’s mindset change at all. There needs to be a better outlet for that. They claim to be about it, they should make that step into pushing it to a requirement. Like how I have to take a religion or language class, I should have to take an African American studies class or diversity class. If I’m being required to take a religion class and I’m not religious, or study a language that I don’t speak, I should have to take a diversity class which is something I’m guaranteed to have to deal with.
Lastly, watch videos of Malcom X and Martin Luther King and see that everything they’re talking about is happening today. It’s still happening, and what about the next generation? When will it stop? Is my kid going to have to get murdered by a cop?
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Writing this article took me a long time. I was unsure how to structure it in a way that would be beneficial to others, as well as myself. I learned a lot from the conversation I had and I hope others have too.
I’m very thankful to my friends for helping educate me further on topics I would’ve had no way of understanding on my own. White allies, the more we can watch, read, and ask, the more we will be able to help. I know conversations may be difficult to start, but they are necessary even if some mistakes are made along the way.
We aren’t taught to know how to have these conversations easily/correctly. That is the problem with our world and our education system. Through this talk, my friends and I discovered that the root of a lot of these problems has to do with a lack of education. White people already have no way of understanding the hardships black people are going through today and since our country was first founded. College campuses, as well as the secondary education systems, can do a better job educating future generations by requiring classes on diversity and African American history.
White America, engage in the media. Start the conversation. Listen and learn before you express your viewpoints. It is time we bear witness to the systemic racial injustices of our country. Your position cannot and should not have to be assumed in this matter. It may be hard and uncomfortable, but it has to happen. It has to happen so people that aren’t directly involved can attempt to better show support and understand discrimination; one day working together to expose and overcome the lie of equality our country was built upon.
