Thank you for sharing
A strategy on how to be a better listener.
It’s been awhile, I know. Life got busy, and my writing got put on the very-back-backburner. But, It’s good to be back.
Something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently is listening. I’ve been told by my friends and family that I’m a good listener for as long as I can remember. People have confided in me since I was a little girl, and I’ve always enjoyed it and felt a sense of pride in being their choice of confidant. This sense of pride has led me to pursuing a career in Psychology. I hope to become a licensed listener, and learn all I can about how to be the best one possible. So as I’ve delved deeper into this journey of being a therapist, I’ve sat with this notion of being a good listener a lot. Great! I can listen! But what does that really mean? What does it mean to really truly listen to someone? What determines a good listener from a shitty one?
These are questions I hope to continue to find answers to.
To start, I’ve identified myself as a strong empath. I am someone who can recognize and comprehend other people’s emotions very well, to the point of sometimes taking on the emotions of others. I am continuously having to learn how to manage this skill. I think it is one of the reasons people consider me a good listener. I’m able to feel your emotions with you, I can sense how you’re truly feeling. Human beings crave connection. In fact, we were wired for it. Our brains release dopamine, or the happy neurotransmitter, when we have a good interaction with another human. It makes us feel good, it makes us feel seen. Empaths have the ability to do this with virtually anyone they meet if the opportunity arises to share emotions.
With great power though, comes great responsibility. I personally put a lot of pressure on myself to do and say the right things. When it comes to my listening skills, I feel a need to respond well when someone shares something with me. I had the belief that if I couldn’t accomplish this, I won’t be a person that people would want to keep confiding in. This specific thought is what actually pulls me away most from listening to another person, and why I hesitate to believe I’m really a good listener. I am so caught up in what I’m going to say next to keep the conversation going that I miss major parts of the story, or tend to rush a person’s process. When I act on these impulses, it ends up doing more harm than good and I don’t actually say anything truly helpful.
Recently, I met a person who changed my views on listening. My favorite coworker at my previous job and I got into a very wonderful pattern of sharing with each other pieces of our unique experiences. I’ll never forget the first conversation we had; talking about our family upbringings. He shared first, and I remember feeling so nervous about how I was going to respond. I had nothing to really relate to what he was saying. I remember thinking, “wow we grew up so differently!” I kept trying to listen for pieces in his story that I could easily respond to, or relate to in some way. I was coming up so short and it was beginning to stress me out. When he finished his share, I remember rambling, saying some insignificant spouts that made no real relation to his experience. I felt pretty defeated by it. Then it was my turn to share. I began sharing my experience, and then I began to share even more. I remember how patient and interested he looked as he listened to me. I didn’t feel judged, I felt nothing but support. I’m usually not one to share very much about myself to people I don’t know but for some reason, I gave him my whole life story, just like he had for me. When I was finally done speaking, he responded with something I’ll never forget. Something so simple, yet so profound to me.
He said, “Thank you for sharing”.
That’s it. That’s all he said. And I was immediately enveloped by a feeling of true connection. Connection through sharing experiences without an agenda. I felt a sense of relief in simply being heard and received. I realized that when I talk to most people, I’m not really looking for a fix or response to what I’m saying. I’m mostly just looking to be heard and supported. All my coworker had to do was let me know he heard me, and was grateful for the moment of connection, and the dopamine levels shot through the roof!
After this first share, my coworker and I continued this dynamic of asking each other questions and truly listening while the other answered. I later discovered that he learned this technique from Alcoholics Anonymous, which if you aren’t familiar, is an organization for people trying to get sober where they can come together in an open and safe space to share their journeys with each other. A person will share about their day, or 12-step discoveries, or anything they need to get off their chest, and everyone else will simply thank them for sharing, and then the next person who wants to share goes.
It felt so amazing to just experience the moment of getting to know someone’s reality, without worrying about having to follow it up. Why do we always feel the need to fill in the gaps between experiences? Why is there a rush to move from one to the next? Taking the time to sit with a new idea or feeling means taking the time to create a true memory from that moment. As a society, we are so overstimulated that it’s easier than ever to forget the moments in each day where you learn something new or have a truly meaningful conversation with another person.
After this realization took hold in me that I can be a listener without having to fix anyone in the process, it has become more comfortable taking the compliment of being a good listener. I know now that no matter what someone shares with me, even if it’s something I have no idea how to relate or respond to, I can still be a source of comfort and connection.
The next time someone shares with you, really truly be present and hear them. Then at the end, take a moment to thank them for the share. And then maybe say nothing else. Notice how that moment feels for you; notice how much more you’re able to remember from their story, how much more valued you may feel. Most of the time, people are just looking for someone to hold space for them to process their own thoughts out loud. People know their own reality already, it’s a special moment to simply learn what that is and share yours in return.
In our society today, we are so overwhelmed and overstimulated. It’s easy to get lost in our inner worlds as we try to make sense of the outer one. This is happening constantly; taking us away from living in the present moment very often. So, when we have interactions with each other, it’s also happening. It becomes difficult to truly be with another person; in order to do so, we’d have to shut off the inner dialogue playing in our heads and that’s extremely difficult. If we bring awareness to it though, it becomes easier. I have personally found that meditation has helped me a lot with this feat; it’s how I start and end each day.
So the next time you go into a conversation with someone, try to still your autopilot mind and fully be there with that individual. Then after they share something with you, thank them for it. You’re thanking them for trusting in you; for letting you into their reality. And what a truly special, one of a kind moment that is.
