Why ending friendships is normal
And why it’s sometimes necessary…
We’re all on a mission to find our tribe; to find the people we fit in with best. Those whom we can trust and confide in freely and feel totally authentic and comfortable around. How can we accomplish this? The answer: experiencing many different people who don’t end up being a part of that tribe.
Now that might sound weird, but it’s the best answer I’ve got. I have had many friends in my life, and a lot of those friendships didn’t work out how I thought they would. We didn’t end up being friends forever. We grew apart. Some were bad endings, abrupt and uncomfortable. Others just slowly faded out with the passage of time; when life changed courses and we had to leave each other behind in the process. I don’t feel bitter about them though, because I was raised to believe that every person comes into my life serving a purpose. However long they are needed to serve that purpose doesn’t matter; the connection happened because it was meant to.
I like to look at life’s journey as if I am orbiting around the Sun, just as the Earth is. Everyone is orbiting around their own Sun, traveling at their own speed and in their own direction. Each of us is traveling through life on a path; however twisted and bent that path may appear, we are all going to eventually end up right back where we started. Along the way to where we go, we will cross orbits with others. Our orbits may align for a few moments, while sharing an exchange at a grocery store. Or for a few months, in a class together partnering on a semester-long project. Or for a lifetime, after deciding to share an orbit and growing with each other every step of the way.
However long the time may be, your paths crossed to serve you both in some way. Even the briefest of exchanges. A smile or wave could make the biggest difference to a stranger who may be going through a hard day, or who just needed a reminder she’s/he’s not alone.
With friendships, we start out as strangers who then believe we can relate to each other on deeper levels. We form friendships with people we think can see us for who we are, and who can help us improve. They may help us through a tough time, provide us with new knowledge of the world, or introduce us to our next journey. When this purpose is fulfilled for good, sometimes the parting hurts. Even if it’s necessary. Sometimes it feels like a loss, an impossible loss you never saw coming. It is sometimes hard to think about what a person gave to you when you lose them; lost in the pain emptiness brings.
“It was good until it wasn’t” -Kehlani
It is difficult to look at the loss as a positive, but sometimes orbit crossings were meant to show you who to share an orbit with next. It’s hard to accept that some people turn out to be not who you thought they were. We set expectations for everyone we meet; wishing so badly they would be the person we want them to be. The hard and honest truth is that we can’t control/change anyone else besides ourselves. We are the only one true constant to stay with us every step of the way on our orbits around the Sun, which means we have to take extra care of ourselves and who we let stay in our orbit with us.
Each exchange teaches you something about another person, as well as yourself. We can’t expect people to treat us the way we want to be treated if we don’t know how to treat ourselves first. We learn through trial and error with our different encounters. We like the way someone treats us one time, so we continue to search for people who treat us in a similar way. We dislike the way another treats us, so we stay clear of people who remind us of them next time (or at least try to). You’re not going to get it right every time. Learning to care for others and ourselves comes with experiencing the many different people in the world, and taking the crucial time to get to know ourselves.
Choosing the right people takes work. Inner work in discovering who you are and what your true values are. It also takes accepting that a lot of relationships aren’t going to work out. Not everyone is going to end up having your same values or be on your same wavelength, and that’s okay. That’s why we’re all so different and special. Some of your relationships may even be brief and painful, leaving us to wonder if any of it ever really mattered. I’m here to argue that it did. Your orbits were meant to cross. You grew from your exchange, even if it’s challenging to recognize and accept it.
The tribe I talked about at the beginning most likely will not be very big. There’s a famous anonymous quote that says:
“When all is said and done, if you can count all your true friends on one hand, you’re a lucky man(/woman).”
Your true tribe needs to be filled with people who already see you for all that you hope to be. The main point of advice: don’t let losing a friend get you down. Not everyone is going to be able to see/understand the real you. Don’t take it personally. Nothing is wrong with you. You’re going to do it again and again until you learn to accept those who treat you the way you need/deserve to be treated. Those people won’t come easy, but when your orbits are meant to align, you will help each other grow immensely. Guaranteed.
“Everyone who comes into your life is either a blessing or a lesson.” -Anonymous
But remember, a lot of the time they’re both.
